I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
