Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
