Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
