those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
