I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
