lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
