My sheets look like a crime scene.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
