Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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