Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
