One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Boobs speak an international language.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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