I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
