i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
it's like iHOP with fire
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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