"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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