i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
