I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
