i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
