I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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