Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
