i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
