I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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