I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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