i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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