i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
