The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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