What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
