i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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