Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
