Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
