i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
