Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
