After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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