He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
