Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize