He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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