dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
