Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
