I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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