Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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