Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
