You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
