New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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