pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize