About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
