well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
