IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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