Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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