Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
