anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
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