alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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