that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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