Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
