i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Randomize