just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
