on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
