Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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