No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
