Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Oh god it's open bar.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
