Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
