The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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